But maybe this is a good wake up call. I agree with this piece of advice- try as hard as you can to find some common ground with these women, even if you have to instigate it by bringing along some fun group activity or game some of you could play together- Ive certainly experienced the reaction of well whats the point of you, then when in large groups of women who all have children and think I have nothing of interest to offer at all in the face of their great and all consuming human experience. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. See what happens when you blend your really cool and interesting friends with your boyfriends more traditional (or, as you might say, boring) buddies. You just dissed the hell out of someone looking for your advice who actually took the time to read your garbage. I gotcha girl! Um, dont knock the 40 year olds. See if some of your friends can bring out the personality of your boyfriends friends. Just do it. Not only could you not talk to the moms, you couldnt talk to the dads either! Tagging your friend in a meme now and then only goes so far. If you dread spending time with someone, prefer not to spend time with them, or find excuses to get out of being around them, it's a clear sign you've outgrown your friend. Im guessing these wives arent complete idiots. I am exhausted. I get that it was what they had in common, but it wasnt interesting to me (and often times horrifying), and I wasnt able to participate in conversation much. This might seem harsh, but when you outgrow a friend, you dont care to tell them or update them on your life because you dont care what they think. If that were true, then the world would be a looottt more boring than it is. You are actually very lucky because they include you to share their wonderful children stories. Its hard to find shared interests in the present reality because you may not have much in common anymore. What does often happen is one or both of us shift course to pursue projects or people that are more consuming or demanding. Maybe they are asking for advice, or looking for reassurance. Some people just dont get a long. We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. And, guess what. So in that respect I feel for the LW assuming she isnt letting it be known that she thinks her position is better and not just different. Your attitude stinks. BECAUSE PEOPLE WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH US. Why are you all sticking up for the friends and family? These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. . Do I then get along with his friends and family? pets, gardening, vacations, current events and so on. This can open up space for new friendships that help you during this chapter of your life. Ultimately, this experience can be incredibly draining. Wtf! I have this friend who keeps bugging me to hang out. They are his comfort zone. Oh well. Find some common ground Wendys suggestions are perfect. You worry about their issues more than you do about your own well-being. You know what I learned, Indigo baby? Bittergaymark The rest I can relate to too much. Getting a break from it makes it a lot easier to enjoy it now during the times that we see them. Maybe by freeing yourself from the constant onslaught of events, youll find that the one you do attend is not so bad. Boom' In Silicon Valley's hacker houses, the latest crop of young entrepreneurs is partying, innovating and hoping not to get . Your boyfriend likes these people. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. The most common reason old friendships dissipate is that the past becomes the only thing linking two people together. But all of these symptoms are pretty typical signs of burnout: Fatigue - You feel physically or emotionally exhausted. Focus on the Positive. Be you. You love your boyfriend and he loves his family. Maybe you can reach some sort of compromise, but for there to be any chance of that happening, your attitude is going to have to change. I enjoyed listening to that convo. Shes doubling down on the friend part and refusing to see all the evidence of incompatibility. Do I just talk/write too much? Exhaustion or drained emotions are sure signs that you could be forcing this friendship just for old times sake. I started thinking they did not like me. Maybe they can even help you see some of the value in these people you have so far turned your up nose at. Someone stopped taking their meds. That can make conversation way more fun. Anyways, keep watching that netflix GURL! And 9 times out of 10 at the end of the night Ive had a few laughs and learned the name of the website that ships lipstick, coconut sugar and diapers for free. This does not bother me, nor does it bother him. It takes them an hour and a half of talking about me, myself, and I to finally ask how you are. Maybe when you're with them, you take on traits and characteristics that just don't feel like "you." You shouldn't feel forced to move where they move or do the same thing with your life that they're doing. I am SO disappointed in Wendys comment. I cant imagine the horror of having a mom who pushes you to get a job. Youve got to find a way to compromise respectfully, if for no other reason than that you love your partner. May 26, 2009 Today, a reader worries that she's a wallflower around her boyfriend's friends. Pick up each Post-It note and think of the last time you were with that person. 1. And it wasnt just a few hours with his friends, it always had to be a trip to camping or a cottage or something, because some of them still lived at home and the ones who were couples wanted to get away so they could sleep together. Why do you say you had to go to his family dinners? It came to the point of him saying I separated him from them. The mentally ill will be warned away from the Dear Wendy site. All of my friends are career women, many of them in STEM. For the sake of the world, dont ever have any fucking kids. Since then, traffic has increased slightly as has ad revenue. But for the entire time we have been friends, he has always dreaded hanging out. You feel anxious and tired after you talk with them. I have sympathy for the first point and you and your boyfriend should work out between the two of you how much time is spent with each others sides and by yourself so there isnt a constant sense of burn out around one particular set of people. Youre already hurting him, because he can see that you despise these people and detest spending time with them. Maybe you are feeling unwell, or perhaps you need some alone time to . DO NOT SEPARATE, DO NOT LET ANYONE COME BETWEEN YOU. Im not sure why one person would expect to be able to make a significant change in the culture of an established friend group. Do you dread seeing them and make excuses to avoid it? With a bit of reflection, you may notice some of these signs that your friendship is fading. . this woman is seriously questioning her choice to spend her life with her love, and you guys are showing her zero support, & instead siding with the other Mommies & kids. He gradually realized this AND also started fielding their questions and complaints about me not being there, and either told them I was busy/tired/working or changed the subject. If all your friend ever does is complain when youre together, let them know, said Marissa Nelson, a marriage and family therapist in Washington, D.C. You also may feel that when things are going well for you and you are in a happy and blessed situation, it seems like theyre not genuinely excited for your success, she said. To clarify, this is how he reacts to literally everyone except his immediate family. I think men (one hot crazy mess who was ranting on here the other day for example) think aging is tragic for women, and idk, maybe it is if youre Cindy Crawford, but so far Im finding that its fine. If you love and value your boyfriend, you cant just shit all over his friends and family. Alcohol actually has effects on multiple neurological pathways. Some people have a world that is sooo different from our world that we just cant connect. Poor LW. And, if youre getting harassed about not going to events when you do go to the majority of them, thats also not cool. Who woulda thunk it? I guarantee it. That happened years ago. And yet we magically share interests, views, hobbies, morals and values on a deeper level than anyone either of us has ever known (aside from our siblings). I definitely come from the opinion that if you marry the guy, you marry his family. I can totally relate to hating getting lumped into The Wives with my husbands friends. Maybe try and lead the conversation off children and see if they have more about them. Some people are incredibly out of line. Also I dont understand why someone cant talk about not wanting kids people who want kids talk about it all the time and are constantly judgemental of those who dont. Keep your head up. Quality relationships are about wanting to share your time with someone else. If your friend struggles with addiction, borderline, narcissistic or antisocial personality traits, dont get caught up in their wake of destruction, Deverich said. What are your motives? Which I never ever asked for that, but I guess a situation like this puts a lot of pressure to the person in the middle who wants to spend time with both parties. Wendy, what HORRIBLE advice. What I found out was two things. Believing that all women should adhere to *your* standard is no better than the patriarchy weve fought against, even if you do believe that women should be educated and travel the world and whatever else the opposite of a stepford wife is. So, in the one hand, I understand to a degree where this LW is coming from (not her attitude, though!). It's OK to outgrow your friends, even if you used to be besties, or it's something simple like a phase you two are going through. @Talula I hope he moves to your city with his lack of job and you can financially support him while being joined at the hip. He has a limited comfort zone and she loathes that zone. You lost me at Meanwhile, I have an amazing family and cool and interesting friends.. Dont broach the subject unless you really feel like your friend has crossed some of the lines above and doesnt want to work on becoming a better friend. Feel it start to bleed out if you. You can make an agreement with him to do the same when he is hanging with your friends. I couldnt stand my exes parents, they were too loud, rude and lacked intelligence so were quite ignorant people. Not caring so much what they think, and not taking everything they say personally, and not looking for things to be upset about. WHO CARES! You will only build resentment with your boyfriend if this keeps up. 4. "Your . Needless to say: we are no longer together. So let me tell you that your situation is not half as bad as mine. That should tell her that his friends and family are who he is. Um, no. If you love them, lend them your support.. Sometimes i just don't go, but to my credit, i usually do follow through. I am an extrovert. The site will wither and die, absent the eye-locking train-wreck letters, like the one Talula just posted. I have half a mind to just tell them I dont like them, but I dont want to damage my boyfriends relationship with his long-time friends (and I definitely dont want to piss off his screw-loose family members). My grandma was shopping at the mall when the lights went out for her, just very sudden. There just annoying. The threat has been issued. Do you have any idea how all-consuming it is when theyre young? You do still have to tolerate these people occasionally for your boyfriends sake, but you definitely do not need to go to every baby shower and tupperware party and dinner invite. Its worth a shot. Talula has glommed onto one thing. Maybe you used to have a bit of FOMO in the past and chose to hang out with them more often, but now you enjoy the time you have to yourself. I dont have ton in common with them, given the long shared history, inside jokes and that everyone is married and has children. THEY ARE BOTH YOUR VIEWS, RIGHT? Deception: Major Reason Behind An Unhealthy or Unsuccessful Relationship. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. What if you let them see you in more of your element, surrounded by people you actually really like instead of just tolerate? I see that as a larger issue. You might be able to temporarily strong-arm your boyfriend into spending less time with these people than hes comfortable with, but you know thats going to blow up on you and hell end up resenting you and being upset that he cant do what he wants to. If you are regularly making disparaging comments about children or about parenthood or about how your choice to remain child-free is better than other peoples choice to have kids, I could understand why that might rub people the wrong way. That said, the advice and comments given on this thread have been pretty judgmental at times. If he was compatible with LW, he would be happy spending time with her friends. Wowshocked Wendy gives relationship advice. Maybe they just dont want to get into it if you are bringing up news stories and you have differing viewpoints like different sociocultural aspects of events. Mix it up. This post is more than two years old. If the women are aware that you really have no interest in kids, I dont think theyre going to try to force you back with them. Whenever you hang out with your friends, you often experience feelings of anxiety, tiredness, and frustration. I manage to express my opinions without alienating people I care about whose opinions differ from my own (well, most of the time). I am not sure what to do anymore. If the cause of your dread is unexplainable or due to an everyday situation, there may be something more significantlike a medical or mental health conditionunderlying your feelings of dread. Im going to make a YouTube video about how much I despise this blog and the way Wendy handled the treatment of this question. And if you hate all of your partners friends and familyyou are not a match. You seem to be assuming that because they are boring to you that they are bad people all around, but its pretty kind of them to invite you to things. We never do anything except sit around and talk, which I find extremely boring. He isnt. So, although I relate to you, and I believe in what you said. I do think that you and your bf need to come up with a fair number of times to spend with both friend groups and families. Half the time we sit around with awkward silence. 3. If it's the former, then you need new friends. APPALLINGLY, Wendy you enjoy, faking it till you make it. When you dont then you make up excuses of why you do enjoy it. Especially when those people are boring. You stop exercising, start sleeping more, or fill your mind with distractions to avoid your own thoughts. Before dumping a friend, Nelson says to make sure the betrayal is so bad you won't ever want the friendship back. Approach #2: Make excuses and politely turn down their invitations until they stop trying. She needs sound advice & empathetic support, not Judgement. Nothing wrong with that, so she wont mesh with these women. We may not have our futures set in stone but I know that its going to take a whole lot more than that to tear us apart. It stinks to be old and poor and not be able to afford to do anything fun, because you dont know if you can keep your home or where your next meal is coming from. Do it with grace, she said. So you maybe have to work extra hard to find something to bond over.just keep listening and smiling and sooner or later something is bound to crop up- it does get a lot better as their kids grow old enough to do more universal activities- even a nice long hike with moms and older kids is better than sitting about feeling like Lucy Lemon. Ooh, please share the link to your article. What a weird day to argue that I dont care about other peoples kids. But that isnt the life for most 65+ people I know, including quite a few over-90s, who have full possession of their faculties and many of whom are still living with their original spouses. You should maintain it just like a new dread in every way. Especially the Facebook thing: if you dont already have custom groups for your updates, get on that now. Also, I dont think theres anything less classy that referring to other people as trash. Maybe hes too much of a mommys boy to stand up to his mom and clearly state that they need to spend time with his girlfriends parents over the holidays, not just his. . Whats the purpose of the change? As I come from a small town and him a big city he has childhood friends probably 20+ and I find myself overwhelmed at times with all the outings and Ive also noticed he trys to replace every dead beat dad when it comes to his single female friends has to attend every prom every graduation every party it does get annoying when you work all day and have your own family to come home to he also is a single dad and his dad wasnt in his childhood like so I do see were the wanting to be a hero comes in but save that for your old single like make a presence when able and that doesnt mean everyone when it comes time to make a drive to my home town its such a long boring drive and theres no effort made when my family has invited us to come over. The resentment builds up, no matter how good a face you put on the outside. When you re-backcomb a dread you essentially re-start the dreading process so this is day one. And he likes you. Oops, sorry Dre. Furthermore, its ironic that you call your boyfriends family judgmental when you literally seem to extend nothing but judgment toward them (or, at least, thats what youve expressed in your letter). It doesnt mean they are disappointed. Here are the top 6 signs that youve outgrown a friendship and a few things you can do to let friends go. Funny.. youre accusing her of being judgemental, and look at all of you smh. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. All of this has lead to me believe that he is quite mentally unhealthy and possibly has significant commitment issues. Women like you are an embarrassment to feminism. What does it feel like? The 2nd seminar I hated it less. So then the balance shifted to 60% mom-talk, and 40% other common topics, and that I could handle. But sometimes, you outgrow these friendships no matter how hard you try to hang onto them. You don't feel attached to your conversations. In fact I even find myself missing the get-togethers! There are 6 core stages that people go through to change their behavior and habits. Yeah, I wouldnt really want to hang out with her. I dont hate them, but I find it incredibly difficult to find common ground. I get that being mad about the conversation sounds tacky. If a friend who used to be your sounding board is now judgmental and responds with contempt (eye rolling, sarcasm or mocking), think twice about confiding in them, said Kari Carroll, a couples therapist in Portland, Oregon. Okay, maybe its ad nauseum, and, yes, I can see how that would be incredibly dull for you, especially since you dont have or even like kids. DO NOT LET GO. And be free. But that doesnt mean recollecting on fun times is a bad thing. LISTEN TO BEBE REXHAs SONG F.F.F or F*** Fake friends The lyrics go, Family is from prehistoric times when we were pre-programmed by the reptilians on this planet to have survival mechanisms and biological reproductive need. So you know what? The point is theyre good people, and they love my husband so much theyre willing to put up with me. The guilt trips are funny. Nostalgia triggers the reward centers of your brain and links to psychological resilience. Ive been trying to just let him go on his own, but then I am bombarded by texts asking where I am. It may not be how YOU or your family would express love, but it doesnt make it less sincere. You are no longer interested in the same things. They just cant relate is all. Think of it this way: A friendship should be a reciprocated process, and each of you in the relationship should yield a return.. I tell my friends the truth when I just need to unwind in a non-group way. Maybe if you actually act interested in his friends lives and like you like them, they might actually like you and be more interested in talking about your topics of interest. And the family guilt trip thing, please try to see it in the way Wendy frames it. Answer (1 of 2): Because you don't have fond memories with them or you have unexpressed emotion for someone or perhaps scared to lose someonein any case it feels you need fresh brand new friends. They may tell you that youve changed or even make you feel guilty for abandoning your old similarities. SO WHAT. I have another idea: start hosting and/or organizing events (dinner parties, float trips, ball games, picnics, BBQs, whatever) where you invite sets of people from both your and your boyfriends friend groups. RELATED:10 Signs You're In A Codependent Friendship And Don't Even Realize It. Clearly poster has reached personal limits and resentment sets in because her personal boundaries are shuttered. Seriously. All that peace and love crap think positively, doesnt work for people who are socially anxious being forced into a situation, Action Step: Cleansing your life of toxic people can help you feel more joyful, free, and open to genuinely nurturing friendships. 2. 1. The times they are achangin! And as I separated from them, then surely their comments went onto my partner, because they did not want him with me. I relate with the OP so much I feel like I could have written it. I grew up a worrier. You dont have to hang with the wives when the group splits off, you dont have to go to every event and you dont even have to have a good excuse (vague work reasons and then, if caught, say you ended up getting the night off are fine). Like status updates are what matters in this world. Part of it might be age (less married friends, less friends with kids), but even then, Wendy has some great ideas for managing your relationships. You love them, but they no longer serve you. I had to choose to learn how to relate to them, too, or risk losing them down the rabbit hole of domesticity forever. I dread socialising with them. They are compatible for the long term. I never talk to that woman. But if you're consistently left hungover or in a poorer state than you were before seeing them, it should be cause for alarm. And I would expand that to if you are going to be in a long term relationship with a guy, you are also in a relationship with his family. One day sooner than you know it, youll be old, too. Check the r/introvert Rules and FAQ before posting. With my sympathy paragraph done though, I dont have actual advice. I wouldnt be surprised if your boyfriend stopped seeing a future with you if you dont start being more inclusive towards his family and friends since theyre such a big part of his life and always have been. If the only reason you're friends with them now is that you were friends with them a long time ago and you struggle to maintain that connection, it's OK to let go and give yourself time to mourn what you used to have. If pretending to be the old version of yourself isnt exhausting enough, you may also realize that your old friendships are draining you of your passion and excitement for this new period of your life. . You need to say whats on your mind, goddamn it. Focusing on the good will make the situation more bearable and help you get through it. She doesnt even like him. Sunshine Brite My boyfriends family is another matter altogether: half are overly conservative judgmental types (I get regular lectures about my social media posts and opinions on everything from gay marriage to lack of interest in having children) and the other half are full-blown drug addicts (loud, draining, and in denial). Why is it not okay to talk about celebrities and ruthlessly post your passions and desires on Facebook? Raising kids is not an embarrassment. I do not believe this is your fault. Very, very sorry. If your friend can't accept that you dont want things to stay the same forever, then they arent good friends. If you get caught in a lie, just say your plans changed. But you sure dont paint yourself very well here. Holy shit, they talk about the kids too! All rights reserved. Its a toxic friendship if you get the sense that your friend is competitive and jealous of you, she said. Would I pick them if I had a choice? "The slight fear or sense of dreadthat's anxiety," Alan Henry wrote for Life . The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. MOA. This woman, LW, is having a hard time coping with this guys friends and family. Im aging pretty well. If you cant do these things, then break up with the guy. If you hate, as this LW does, your partners friends and family this much then find a new partner. Weve fought to give women the right to CHOOSE their paths in life, not to FORCE them into submitting to your idea of what women *should* do. I do think that you and your boyfriend need to sit down and settle out a plan and a compromise for how you two are spending your time with friends. You cant keep blaming your boyfriend and his family and his friends for all your relationship problems. Is this normal? The thing that bothers me is the feeling prior to going, that feeling of "ugghhh i do't wanna go anymore" and then having to drag myself out. If you are a person who easily finds common grounds with others, more power to you, but it can be very difficult for others. Experts suggest seeing your friends at least once a week, if not more! So these boring women could have more about them if you just give them chance maybe. Leaving a friendship can sometimes feel like a romantic breakup. Mainly that two of them were constantly sleeping with married men and they all thought that was fine. Raised or furrowed eyebrows, for instance, silently convey that you're listening, while a head nod encourages the speaker to keep going (and on the flip side, eyes glazing over means it's probably time to change the subject). Morals and values differ widely from one family member and friend to the next. Outgrown friendships may be comfortable, but they can also signify stagnancy in your life. Why does she have to be a witch? (Dont ask about the mucus plug. Sometimes though, anxiety can drain those resources from the relationship just as quickly as you invest them. As you grow up and experience new stages of life, you'll probably no longer behave the same way you used to or like the same things you did in the past. Many young, rural, lower middle-class and poor women and a lot of progressive men just dont identify with the movement today.

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